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Resolutions are stupid but I’mma do it anyways

While part of me completely understands the extreme amount of predictability and cliche attached with making new years resolutions and remains cynical of the whole thing, another part of me thinks it can be a pretty decent tool for self-improvement if used properly.  For most people resolutions are typically about losing weight, spending more time with their family, and finally taking some time off work–all good but nothing I’m too concerned about right now. So I figured it would be a cool exercise to write down a few things that I would like to actually achieve that aren’t difficult, and I can stick with next year.  Partly because they’re easy, and partly because I think it will be pretty funny to look back on these in five or six months and see where I’m at.

So with no further ado, here are my fucking new years resolutions: (dont front you know you’ve got some too)

RESOLUTION #1 – To use my Phone as more than a texting and rhyme writing device

Apparently these things can do a lot more than text, tell time, and store my lethal raps.  I had actually forgotten because that’s all I use my phone for.  The instances where I actually call people are very rare, and if I had to guess I would say that I only talk to people on the phone no more than once per day. Two phone conversations in one day would probably freak me out, and holidays where you have to talk more than that can potentially make my head explode.  But fuck that, in 2012 I’m gonna take it back to the essence, and actually use my phone for verbal communication.  I’m not gonna stop texting people, but I am gonna actually call people and try to talk to them more, with my mouth, and my voice.  It sounds weird even writing it, but I’m gonna do it!

RESOLUTION #2 – Get Swole

Yes, I’m gonna hit the weights this winter and come back looking like Dr. Dre, or Timbaland, or Carrot Top.  Whoever is swole, I’m gonna look like them, but like me, but swole up.  I know what you’re thinking.  Print, you’re already a fucking adonis, why do you need to get more swole for?  Well, because you can never be too swole, dummy!  Plus, chicks like it when a dude is all swole up, in some tight jeans and an affliction t-shirt, so Imma bring that to the table this year.

 

RESOLUTION #3 – Learn how to fight

When it comes to fighting I’m what they call “a natural”, feel me?  Nobody ever taught me to throw a punch or the proper technique for kicking a man in his nuts.  Nobody ever taught me how to run when I was out numbered, or when to hit a man in the head with a barstool and when to use a beer pitcher, but I realized the other day that while I have been in mad scuffles in my life, that my lack of formal training could lead me to getting my ass whooped one day.  And while I realize that taking the path of peace and understanding makes way more sense for a man my age, I’ve decided that it would be way more interesting to actually learn how to fight.  So in 2012 I will begin my journey to master all areas of combat (striking, wrestling, knife fighting, submission grappling), and hopefully become a complete mixed martial artist of high respect by the end of calendar year 2012.  Wish me luck.

 

RESOLUTION #4 – Have a child.

I know what you’re thinking.  “It’s easy to knock somebody up Print, anybody can do that!” But what you don’t understand is that I’m going to actually have the child, myself.  Me. In 2012 I’m gonna find out how to get pregnant and carry that little fucker for nine months, or as long as I can physically take it.   To tell the truth I dont even want to have a child, and it sounds really painful, and not fun.  In fact, the entire thought of something that weighs 8 pounds coming out of my body makes me wanna throw up. However, I need to do this so that when I talk to women I can really feel what they’re saying to me.  Very often I get told that I hear them, but I don’t feeeeeel them, nahmeen?  I hate how they always throw that whole “child birth” thing in my face whenever I complain about a sprained ankle or a splinter in my finger.  I’ve had enough, and realize that the only way I can feel their pain is to actually give birth, so I can talk shit too.  Then maybe I won’t feel so shallow and look so stupid when a woman complains about cramps or childbirth and I say “word. i feel you”, when I actually don’t feel them at all, and the thought of feeling them makes me nauseous.  No more excuses.  I’m gonna make it happen in 2012.

Wish me luck.

Happy New Year!!!

note: my only real New Years Resolution is to release as much music as possible and spend more time with my family and friends, but this was way more fun to write.

BLUEPRINT
My latest album Two-Headed Monster is out now.  Order/Listen here HERE  
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