I Like Napkins

I like napkins.

Whenever I’m out eating I always take a few extra.  You never know when you may need them, so I try to keep a few in the stash; a couple in my back-pocket, maybe a couple in my backpack.

As far as I’m concerned you can never have too many napkins.

I hate when businesses try to control my napkin intake by not keeping the napkins out in public.

“Excuse me, where are the napkins at?”

“Sorry sir, we keep them behind the counter”


I can’t stand having to ask somebody else for a napkin. Not being able to take as many as I want feels un-American. Plus it’s awkward since asking for napkins is basically like saying “hey, I’m gonna make a fucking mess of myself with this food you just gave me. Can you help me out?” Nobody wants to look like a pig before they even eat, but asking for napkins will make you feel like that.

The only thing worse than having to ask for napkins in the first place is asking for them and then being asked how many napkins you want.

“Can I have some napkins please?”

“Sure can sir, we keep them back here. How many do you need?”

[Notice they always say need instead of want, thus making you feel even more like a pig]

If you ask me, the only reason they don’t let people get their own napkins is because some manager decided they could save a bunch of money each month by cutting down the amount of napkins that people take. Out of all the places to reduce excess and unnecessary spending, they decided that cutting napkins would give them the highest impact. You know a job sucks when cutting down napkin expenses puts you on the fast-track to promotion.

I wonder where salt and straws rank. I couldn’t imagine what they would do if you ordered one drink but asked for four straws. They probably consider it the ultimate disrespect.

I guess cutting napkins is better than cutting jobs, but its still pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

Whenever they ask me how many napkins I need I always say “lots” just to piss them off. I always imagine the manager reprimanding the cashier for giving me “lots” of napkins and single-handedly fucking up their profit/loss margin for the month.

“Umm, billy, can I speak to you about your performance?”

“Yes sir, what’s up?”

“Well, I noticed you gave that gentleman 15 napkins.”

“Yes, I did. Sorry about that sir. He said he wanted ‘lots’, and 15 seemed like ‘lots’ to me”

“That’s the problem Billy, it is ‘lots’. Unfortunately, we’re not in the business of giving out ‘lots’ of napkins–we’re in the business of selling ‘lots’ of food. And you were given specific instructions to give customers no more than two napkins each. Anything over that needs to be approved by management.”

“Ok sir. Sorry about that. I won’t make that mistake again”

“Thanks billy. Thanks for being a team player”

Word is blog

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  • crocka

    Curb Your Enthusiasm has an episode on a scenario similar to the napkin issue above.

  • printmatic

    that's wild. I've never actually watched that show. heard good things about it.

  • TripOptics

    In n out is behind the times they just give you “lots” without asking… The problem is 99% of the “lots” they give u are covered in cheese and grease.

  • printmatic

    aww man, that's all bad. that kinda ruins using the napkins for something else if they're already covered in cheese and grease.

  • Harper736

    That was some funny shit. Def check out Curb Your..sometime. Larry David is the most likeable asshole character around. Also wondering if you will have the time to recap the Bend show. I drove down from seattle to see it, and thought it was live as f*ck! the crowd was crazy, but def positive. I started out on the drinkers side, feeling like, 'i am too old for this all-ages sh*t, then realized how much better it was to stand near more sober people. Loved your set, bought a shirt that you signed. thank you from a 'getting older' fan. ha.

  • nick

    soo true. i used to work at Subway, and the rule is 1 napkin per 6inches of sandwhich. and if the customer asks for more you give them 1 more, 2 tops. and when i first started i made the exact mistake of giving a pinch of napkins instead of 1. which earned me a speech about how saving napkins saves money

  • printmatic

    thanks for the comment nick, that's HILARIOUS!!! it's amazing that shit is actually true!! wow…america is a wierd place sometimes!

  • Helvetica Bold

    Well said, in this case typed Mr. Print. What's your take on the whole one-ply vs. two-ply toilet paper in public restrooms?

  • printmatic

    two ply is a must if you ask me. one-ply should actually be banned from ALL bathrooms.

  • printmatic

    two ply is a must if you ask me. one-ply should actually be banned from ALL bathrooms.

  • shamalam

    rofl I got a kroger bag with a couple dentek toothpicks and gan of napkins in the whip for just these type or situations never know when my allergys gonna act up and I don't wanna buy kleenex son nah fucks that

  • Amber

    This blog made me laugh. Thank you. Whenever someone asks me for napkins I like to give as many as I can grab in a handFULL, just to spite my job. (Starbucks for the lossss) You would love getting napkins from me. Not stingy at all.

  • Also obsessed with napkins… Think I picked it up from my Mom ALWAYS having a stash in the glove box. When I clean out my bags/purse, always a litter of napkins to toss.

  • printmatic

    exactly! every time i get home from going out i always got like 4-5 folded up napkins in my pockets. They always eventually get used, but it's still funny to see how i always manage to keep a couple in the stash

  • Reckoner


    This is what crocka is talking about… hilarious! Print “Dream Big” is awesome. I have a hard time finding good new music to listen to needless to say this has been on repeat all morning ha! Have you considered doing another album with RJ?

  • lisa1012


  • lisa1012

    do you ever write lyrics/poetry on your napkins?