I Like Napkins

I like napkins.

Whenever I’m out eating I always take a few extra.  You never know when you may need them, so I try to keep a few in the stash; a couple in my back-pocket, maybe a couple in my backpack.

As far as I’m concerned you can never have too many napkins.

I hate when businesses try to control my napkin intake by not keeping the napkins out in public.

“Excuse me, where are the napkins at?”

“Sorry sir, we keep them behind the counter”


I can’t stand having to ask somebody else for a napkin. Not being able to take as many as I want feels un-American. Plus it’s awkward since asking for napkins is basically like saying “hey, I’m gonna make a fucking mess of myself with this food you just gave me. Can you help me out?” Nobody wants to look like a pig before they even eat, but asking for napkins will make you feel like that.

The only thing worse than having to ask for napkins in the first place is asking for them and then being asked how many napkins you want.

“Can I have some napkins please?”

“Sure can sir, we keep them back here. How many do you need?”

[Notice they always say need instead of want, thus making you feel even more like a pig]

If you ask me, the only reason they don’t let people get their own napkins is because some manager decided they could save a bunch of money each month by cutting down the amount of napkins that people take. Out of all the places to reduce excess and unnecessary spending, they decided that cutting napkins would give them the highest impact. You know a job sucks when cutting down napkin expenses puts you on the fast-track to promotion.

I wonder where salt and straws rank. I couldn’t imagine what they would do if you ordered one drink but asked for four straws. They probably consider it the ultimate disrespect.

I guess cutting napkins is better than cutting jobs, but its still pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

Whenever they ask me how many napkins I need I always say “lots” just to piss them off. I always imagine the manager reprimanding the cashier for giving me “lots” of napkins and single-handedly fucking up their profit/loss margin for the month.

“Umm, billy, can I speak to you about your performance?”

“Yes sir, what’s up?”

“Well, I noticed you gave that gentleman 15 napkins.”

“Yes, I did. Sorry about that sir. He said he wanted ‘lots’, and 15 seemed like ‘lots’ to me”

“That’s the problem Billy, it is ‘lots’. Unfortunately, we’re not in the business of giving out ‘lots’ of napkins–we’re in the business of selling ‘lots’ of food. And you were given specific instructions to give customers no more than two napkins each. Anything over that needs to be approved by management.”

“Ok sir. Sorry about that. I won’t make that mistake again”

“Thanks billy. Thanks for being a team player”

Word is blog

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